ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
