Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
