i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
