well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
