Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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