I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
