I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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