I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
