Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
