Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just cropdusted the office
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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