I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
