You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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