I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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