dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
