if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
