Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize