Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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