woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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