billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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