theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
