hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
