I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
