Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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