he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
