that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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