1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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