Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
