So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
