Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just invented taco cereal.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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