There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
