When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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