Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
