my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
