When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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