You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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