i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize