im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
