hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
