He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
