I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
