Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize