are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I love you. Go after that dick
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
