Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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