So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
