if i can run in heels then i can drive
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
