Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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