Don't make out with my wife yet
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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