Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
