I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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