she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
