Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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