If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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