I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
