This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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