why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
